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LadyCReturns

5/22/2008 4:30 pm
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Before I even start on what it is I'm supposed to be writing about (disability and fucking) let me please please enlighten all of you who have been sensible and avoided the madman that is R Kelly about the closet.

I haven't laughed so fekkin hard since Grandma fell of the roof.

You toooob said man along with the legend 'in the closet'. Get tea. Sit. Start at part one. Laugh until you cough up a vital organ.

Anyway. So it started as a joke. *disclaimer - anyone ANYONE who makes a stupid arse comment about what I write next will get a punch in the throat. Go dig around the blog and find post about my first boyfriend.*

I may or may not have mentioned that I am planning on taking over the universe. Timescales are vague but absolute. There are various facilitators poised all over the World ready to leap into action like a bunch of demented drug-addled ninja chimps (oooh - ask a ninja - also a brilliant distraction from life in general)

So my dark army and I are sitting discussing club nights. How we can create one SO vile, we'll only do it once, and then sit back and watch the UK get it's knickers crammed firmly up their huge collective Jeremy "I'm a cunt and so are my guests" Kyle arsehole. So we decide on SpaKK.

SpaKK is a nasty fucking term for what used to be called a spastic:

However, the term began to be used as an insult, and became a term of abuse for an ungainly or physically inept person, derived from a common misconception that those with any physical disability resulting in spasticity would necessarily also have a mental or developmental disability. It is often colloquially abbreviated to forms such as "spa", "spaz", "spazmoid", "spazzer", "spazmo", "spack", "spackhead", "spacko" and "spacker".
*source wiki*

You can see where we were going eh? Other names pitched included 'Joey'...

How to create a night where the tone was so low you had to dig for it. Where wheelchairs were available in reception for those who fancied spazzing out for a night. Where all the seating was at floor level and webcams were linked up to a massive screen above the DJ so everyone could see people fall over. Where the dress code was 'the more wrong it is the more discount you get' and the drinks came in colostomy bags.

Then it got funnier. The deaf disco with nothing but people hitting things to provide vibrations to dance to, the blind dance room which was an iPod disco and everyone was dancing to their own tunes in the dark.

The big fekking leftie mistake we all make from time to time (aside that from anyone with a beard carrying a fitness first bag is going to blow up our tube, any black guy in a hoodie isn't just trying to keep his ears warm and any emo fuckwit is actually a nice person inside) is that disabled, differently abled whatever the fuck we're labelling people as this week, can't laugh at themselves. Or are somehow sexless.

I've always found that odd particularly, even if your cock's broken, usually your mind works, and any prick who thinks sexuality isn't nearly all head fucking is a tosser of the highest order.

One of the finest, filthiest Dommes I know (and she is worthy of note regardless of what I am about to impart) has one leg. I have seen her beat a guy with her other one. Heather Mills could learn a lot.

My first boyfriend could only walk when we got him hammered enough to shut off the part of his brain that affected his motor funtions. Did we laugh when he did it on his wasted legs and fell over? Hell yes we did.

Did my friends recently get pissed with another paraplegic mate and decide it would be a jolly wheeze to launch him down the stairs? Oh yes, did they all have a fucking marvellous time? Oh yes.

Do we need to be all pussy footed around people on a different level to us? Do we? really? One of my funniest and most memorable moments as a table dancer was when a punter forgot to turn his electric wheelchair off and we both ended up skidding across the club cause he got all overexcited and whacked the lever. Me, naked and perched on his footrests, him, laughing his ass off.

Did we all love Sammy, who had a keyboard which spoke in that voice we have all associated with Stephen Hawking, did we make him type things like 'do me big boy'? Hell yes.

I can't end this, there'll be a part two when I've gathered my thoughts a bit more.


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lostPersephone
10661 posts 
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5/22/2008 5:15 pm
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My fav waitress is onelegged, she called herself IHOP..she said she used to save on shoes because she would stick two left ones in the same box. God I miss her.

I owe her my fascination with stump porn Im sure. She got caught gettin her buck on in a cow pasture drunk. God I miss her.


LadyCReturns replies on 5/27/2008 12:16 pm:
FInd her and ask if I can name a club night after her pleeeeeeeeease!

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BostonBoi
15633 posts 
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5/23/2008 5:08 pm
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"...can't laugh at themselves"

This is one of the things I encourage in my clients. A lot of my coworkers disapprove of my use of black humor (the fact that I get results has saved me from being fired several times)...but if my people can laugh at themselves...they can deal with themselves after their injuries. If they can laugh...they can face it...adapt...and overcome.

Anyone who doesn't think that people with crippling disabilities can't be sexual and cannot laugh at themselves should simply visit Walter Reed Army Hospital.

"In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
---George Orwell


LadyCReturns replies on 5/27/2008 12:18 pm:
I'm hiring you as a consultant. You'll be paid in boobie pictures.

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sweetboytoy51
2089 posts 
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6/2/2008 3:32 pm
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Someday, I will tell you the story of the bused-in afternoon tour by dozens of members of a drop-in for psych survivors (ex-patients of the mental health system) and street people -- to an un-named local microbrewery, which was both kind and foolish enough to let them inside the doors.

Once.

cheers LadyC,
-sbt

p.s. And here's a glass raised to Trout Fishing In America Shorty.


LadyCReturns replies on 6/4/2008 10:35 am:
Ooooh. Yes please! I need some of your writing right now.

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SwitchWay2Turn
137 posts
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9/22/2008 5:11 am
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Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

A: Because she had no arms

Just wanted to make public my enjoyment of and general agreement with this post of yours, LadyC. Someday we'll all be considered equal which will make us all as retarded as each other and a little bit duh! until then we can dream, so lead the way and fly the banner high, until a nervous tick makes you fall over.

In the words of R Kelly "now the story's getting twisted, cos not only was there a man in the cabinet, but the man... was a midget... midget... midget".

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